Current mood:pissed offok so pretty much any kind of holiday is a big deal for my family...which is great... i enjoy most of my family....but seriously how fuckin lame and ridiculous is it when a certain person in that family is first of all dead set on making you out to be the worst person ever and second just cannot get over themselves.... you know for somebody to fucking take me away from my biological mother with the intent to raise me better than she could....provide better living, better care, somehow better love sure fucked up.... but i guess in a way thats good cuz then i would never have the relationship i do with my biological mother now...but seriously for my fucking grandmother to tell everybody that she wants them to do something for easter but im not allowed to be there? wtf? i mean its really bad when we have to have 2 separate birthday parties for a 6 year old because she's just dumb and keep her fucking mouth shut....idk its just crap family is supposed to stand next to you no matter what....right....i have people i absolutely hate that treat me better...but you know what? after everything that happened last time i saw her i guess its a good thing....With my luck we'd both end up in jail sitting in the same fucking cell....i would snap my neck between the bars... but idk i just dont get how you can try to tell someone else who is holding the easter thing that they cant invite me...especially when its my aunt... but it just bothers me that im not good enough to be a part of the family but yet somehow such a priority to know exactly whats going on in my life, to punch me in the face, tell me im such a whore, that i never deserve to have a kid...wow...thats just so childish....just fuck em all....
Current mood:determinedok so...everything that has happened so far has been such a learning experience....Not saying that it wasnt hard because sometimes it was too hard....And it just feels like everytime i try to get myself back on track something just pushes me back down....and yes i can be very determined but right now it seems like i cant accomplish anything....like i feel like i have seriously found a way to fuck up my life beyond repair and cant do anything to fix it....im not ready for half the changes im going to have to full on face when i get back home...im scared....i feel like everything is happening to me to almost in a way test me and see how commited i am to do those things....im ready to at least try its just kinda scary jumping into a pit all by myself....
Current mood:crushedso for everyone who has a relationship cherish what you have. i recently lost the best thing that has ever happened to me and its never stopped hurting... i miss him so much and the fact that i fucked up just kills me...i wish i never did any of the things i did. i lost his trust and i lost his friendship. i lost my best friend through all of that and i can only blame myself. i hope that one day i will have a chance to prove to him how much i love him and miss him... he always made me so happy and i always put him down...im not trying to make excuses but i guess i learn from my family....i lost the respect and love of the man that meant the most to me in my entire life all because i wanted to be selfish and ignorant...i miss his touch, his smile, his voice, i miss everything about him. it hurts so bad to be without him and wish that i could take it all back and try again...everything that we used to do together, watch tv, go to movies, hang out with friends, or simply cuddle hurts me to even think about it. im so sorry for what i did and i dont even know how to prove it anymore. i am so disappointed in myself that i cant even look in the mirror. so my lessons are learned here...dont ever take for granted your better half, anyone, or anything that you have in your life... and cherish every moment you have to be happy with that person. i miss mine so much i cant breathe sometimes...
If I Could
If I could tell you one thing about me.
I would tell you how much you mean to me
If I could show you how it felt for you to love me
I would show u heaven
If I could make you feel one thing
I would make u feel how much I care for you
If I could love you now
I would never let go
If I could see you smile one last time
I would be happy always
If I could show you the one thing I want the most
I would show you us, together forever
If I could tell you one thing
I would tell you I love you